Different Cycle, Same Result

There's been absolutely nothing to report! We went through the whole IUI cycle a second time, with the same protocol, and.... 

it didn't work. This time I had double the amount of mature eggs, but it still didn't work. We found out that the success rates for an IUI with follicle stimulating hormones is 20%, and it just gives us the success rate that any normal couple would have naturally. 

So, we're back at it a third time. This time the medicine is a lot more aggressive, all injectables, at a dosage that gets higher and higher. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and they said that I already had 4 eggs, but my estrogen was lower, so they told me to up the dosage so we can get closer to doing this next IUI. 

It's weird how this all messes with your brain. The first time, we were so hopeful, and then I took every symptom I had as a sign that it didn't work, and I honestly feel like I feel into a depression of sorts. I've never felt that sad, or worn down before, and I doubt it will be the last time I ever will. 

This time, I'm going to stay positive, and convince my brain that I am pregnant. What's the worst that could happen; we could not be pregnant and I could be sad or disappointed? I can live through that. I have before. Nothing wrong with a little hope. 

Again, though, our friends and family surrounded us with love and support, and my mom even drove 10 hours from Louisville to hang out with me for ONE DAY. Who does that?! We went to Costco and Trader Joe's, two of my favorite places, and I basically just took a mental health day. And another one to eat the entire jar of Cookie Butter that we bought at Trader Joe's. 

Who's had that? That stuff is suuuuuper good. And almost a cure for anything. 

But let me brag on the most important person: Josh is just the best husband in the world. He is the strong one, dealing with my crazy mood swings, whinings about the shots, and buying me sweet little presents. All it takes is a box of Junior Mints. Not kidding. Plus, this whole thing puts your body through the wringer. My stomach looks like a pincushion with all of the pins taken out, I can't exercise or play tennis like I want to, because they don't want your heart rate to get too high. I also have been (trying) to eat full fat dairy because that's supposed to help with implantation. Despite this, Josh makes me feel cherished and appreciated, no matter how badly I feel about myself. 

Some huge events happened this week; our friends Jason and DiAnna had their baby Alston, and he is beyond precious. I also had a friend in the theatre community pass away. I just know that things happen beyond our control, and the hardest part is trusting God, and not letting your own thoughts creep in. It's almost reinforced how blessed we are to know the people that we do. 

We took this picture, thinking it could be the first in a baby book. Now we see it as a mark of what all we are doing, and how much we can handle. Do I wish that I had make up on, and I didn't have Big Bird arms? Of course. 

Yesterday, October 15th was the Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Again, I am so grateful that I don't fit in to either of those categories, and I am in awe of the families that do. They have so much strength, and I can't even imagine having to deal with something like that. 

The bible passage that has brought me the most strength is 1 Samuel 1:1-20, when it tells the story of Hannah despairing because she didn't have any children. She went to the temple to pray, and because she was moving her mouth and no sounds were coming out, the priest thought she was drunk. He even told her to put away her wine. She explained why she was so distraught, and he prayed over her, and she became pregnant with Samuel. 

We think maybe it's taking a while because we will have a special child, like Samuel. Maybe they will be president, or cure cancer or something. Now, genes do come into play, so our kids will probably not stand much of a chance to do either. But it still brings me a lot of comfort. 

So, if you see me wailing, or mouthing the words to a prayer, it's not me being drunk. At least not this time. Don't tell me to put away my wine, because I don't have any. That's part of the reason I am so crazy this past few months. 

I'm just praying for the child that we know is coming. 

Keep you posted on IUI #3!