Alright, who's ready for an update? The last IUI resulted in.....
nothing.
It's ok, or it is now, after I've eaten my weight in oreos and sobbed and snotted into the shirt I was wearing while my terrified dog hid under the bed.
Honestly, I have learned a lot with this whole experience. I remember the first two cycles, how anytime I had a feeling that anything was wrong, I would get depressed and mopey for two weeks. I didn't want to jinx it or be hopeful because I thought it would hurt too much when the test was negative. However, I honestly thought that #3 worked. I even started looking at when the potential due date would be, arranging my maternity leave in my head. I had so much hope, and I convinced myself that this was the one. It obviously wasn't, but I learned the following:
I would much rather live with hope. Was I sad when it didn't work out? Absolutely. But, it hurt no more than it did the other times when I was sure it didn't work.
So, that's honestly the reason that I write these; not to garner sympathy or what not, but I read so many infertility blogs where the author just laments their fate and sends their readers on a spiral into a black hole of depression. "No one understands what I'm going through," "My family is the worst around the holidays," "My sister is pregnant so I'm not talking to her anymore," "I will never be a mother, so I'm going to build a crib for my dog." Things like that. There was actually one blog where a woman complained about being childless, then complained about the infertility treatments, and is NOW complaining about pregnancy symptoms.
I want to talk candidly about what we're going through, but with the understanding that we trust in God's plan and we are looking for the blessings in our journey. It doesn't have to be a void of despair.
I just can't exist where my life is one big pity party. It's not good for my constitution.
***** FERTILITY TREATMENT TALK -- IF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, SCROLL AHEAD******
So, we visited the doctor after the IUIs to talk about next steps. We found out some crappy things, like I have a low egg reserve, so it's kind of now or never. I won't be able to carry a child past the age of 32 unless I use donor eggs or a frozen embryo, and I will most likely hit menopause around the age of 40.
It's insane to think that I may never have a biological child. It's something that I took for granted my whole life, like, "when I have kids, I'll...." It's a weird realization.
So what they want to do now is do IVF, which is when they take my eggs out, fertilize them in a petri dish, and put the embryos back in. It'll cost about $6,000 with insurance, and it'll give us a 60% success rate. We definitely are going to try it!
**********FERTILITY TREATMENT TALK OVER**************
So that's where we are. Obviously we don't have that kind of cash handy, so we are taking time off to save for it.
It's actually kind of nice to enjoy the holidays without having to track anything, or worry about traveling with refrigerated meds. I'm chilling with the Ariels, and all my cousins and aunt and uncle and PawPaw. It'll be a lot of fun. Plus being down here in the swamp away from all of them does make it harder. I can't wait to hang out in Lousville!
Anywho, the holiday parties are beckoning, along with the beers I haven't had in three months. I have a lot of making up to do.
