Hey guys... it has been a long time since I've posted anything, and I've gotten fussed at for it. Let's see. Since we last spoke, we have bought a house, gotten a sweet little puppy named Penny, and went on an amazing summer vacation.
All in preparation and anticipation for something that just isn't happening.
Anyone that knows me knows that I am an open book. Ask me about my Brazilian wax. I dare you. However, something that we haven't told everyone is that we have struggled to conceive for almost 3 years.
When we got married in April of 2011, we knew that we wanted to try to become parents sooner rather than later. We always saw ourselves as young(ish) parents, able to keep up with the stamina of a toddler. As naive as that may be.
Well, it didn't happen, and we thought, well, it's because my career isn't where we want it. And God wants my career to be set.
It didn't happen.
Then, we thought, we need to purchase a house, so that we have room for a family, and we'll be making an investment in our future.
A year later, and it still didn't happen.
This past year has been spent going in and out of the fertility clinic, being poked and prodded, giving pints and pints of blood for tests, and more ultrasounds than I ever thought I would have in my lifetime. And I'm not even pregnant yet.
Now, I'm not writing this to gain sympathy, or pity, or for keeping you from posting pictures of your pregnancy or babies. We know that people being able to have children does not affect our chances to have babies.
For the most part, at least. Throughout this saga, I would like to educate you on things that might bother anyone unable to get pregnant, or people that don't want children in the first place:
1) "My life never had meaning until Junior got here." This makes me want to punch you in the face. Don't discount the lives of others, just because they don't have kids.
2) "You think you're tired now? Wait till you have kids." Hey, I'm sorry I don't have kids to experience your utter fatigue. I would give anything to be that tired.
3) "Your dog isn't really a child, you know." Duh. I know. But she is still cuter than your sea monkey baby.
4) "Just relax! Go on vacation!" Nope. Just, nope.
5) "You should adopt. I've heard stories of people doing that, and they get pregnant with their own baby." Here's the thing: if we went to adoption as an option, it's not as a means to an end. We would come to that conclusion after a lot of prayer and soul searching. Not to get the biological child that we always wanted.
If you want examples of how to act, check out our friends and family. We have had such amazing support, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Just a little glimpse of our adventure: There is absolutely nothing wrong with us. We have, what you call, "Unexplained Infertility." We have tried many years, with nothing happening, and we just did our first cycle of IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination,) complete with pills, shots, and suppositories (yay.) It didn't work, and we found out Sunday morning. It might have been the worst morning of my life. We were set to start again today, but I had a cyst that made it unable for the drugs to work correctly. So we wait yet another month. We know that we are meant to go through this journey, and we're trying, no matter how hard it is, to find the lessons we are supposed to learn. Here's what I've got so far:
1) It helps immensely to have support. I have a tendency to downplay my situations, or how I'm feeling (ask Amber Miller.) We knew we needed people to know what's going on, so we told our close friends and family. Most people try to keep this a secret, but this was the best thing we could have done. It's the love and sweet thoughts from people that have gotten me through these hard few days. I woke up Amber on Sunday with my text about the negative test, who immediately called and cried with me. Then my sister Emily called to cry with me, and then cracked me up for an hour about our adventures in dance recitals, and our lack of skills and grace. After a few more hours of wallowing, we went to eat with Jason and DiAnna Sox. Then I got to talk to my mom for a while, and she reminded me that we get to hang out at my PawPaw's cabin right outside of Asheville on Labor Day. Since, I have gotten texts from my wonderful cousins, mother-in-law, sweet gifts from our friends Larsyn and Tyler, and Tyler Ann and Brad. I cannot stress the importance of having close friends to lean on.
2) Our plans mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. We wanted two kids, about 4 years apart. Now, however our family ends up, it ends up.
2) I'm immensely blessed. I have an amazing family, I get to live in Charleston, in a house that we own, with the cutest puppy in the world. I also have a job that I love, and amazing friends that we have a blast with.
3) I've become more empathetic/sympathetic. Maybe it comes with struggling in some area of my life, but I have become more sensitive to what other people are going through. It's like Joshua is constantly saying, "we didn't look at this situation through the right eyes the first time." I'm trying to walk a mile in other's shoes before judging. Unless you're racist or sexist. I'll judge you all day.
4) No one deserves to be a father more than Joshua Hasty. No offense to the dads out there, but Josh is just all that and a bag of chips. He has put up with a lot, with the raging hormones and the mood swings that I've had. He is kind, fair, nurturing, insanely funny, sensitive, brilliant, and all of the other traits you look for in the father of your children. This journey reinforces this to me every day.
5) This is the first time that I've truly struggled. It's also the first time I have had to completely rely on God's promises and His presence. I'm completely vulnerable. My Mom has told me how strong I am. Which meant a lot, because I've never felt strong. Confident, opinionated, maybe, but now strong for the first time. I trust that we will have a child, and then the blow that comes every month it doesn't happen seems unbearable to me. However, I look at my friends, who's journeys have been so much worse than mine, and they can get up every day. So can I.
Again, I'm not saying this so that people feel bad for us. I want to be an open book about infertility, because not a lot of people are. People are ashamed to have to do this, and I refuse to be.
The ladies that have dealt with this before, or are dealing with it now, are the reason I had courage to go through all of these treatments. That's the reason I'm writing this. Infertility bites the bong hole, and anyone that has any questions or issues that they need some guidance with, I would be more than happy to offer up my experience. God forbid anyone I know has to do this, but it really helps to talk to someone who has traveled this road.
So, that's it for now. My nurse said I can drink (caffeine AND alcohol! Hooray!) this month that I'm taking off waiting for the cyst to go away. She said I deserve it. And I quite agree.
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