Serial Killers, I'm On To You....

This week has been a crazy week. No, wait, let me rephrase that. I've been crazy this week. All because of a few articles and viral videos. I have discovered that fear makes you completely irrational.

Here is my harrowing tale.

At the beginning of the week, Tuesday to be exact, I read a little story in Cosmo. It was all about serial killers, how they stalk their victims, and how you can protect yourself.

Holy freaking cow. So, of course, model of intelligence that I am, I decided that I obviously need to be on my guard against serial killers. I start analyzing every guy I see, I change my driving routine on my way home, and I remain alert. A little too alert.

Upon arriving at home, I fell asleep on the couch. Like I always do. Because I'm like an old person. I was woken up by some loud banging next door, and they were screaming someone's name. Of course, I thought that a serial killer was next door. I start locking all the doors, closing the curtains, and trying to be as silent as I possibly could.

That night, I was emptying the dishwasher, and I heard some light tapping on the window looking into the kitchen. Because it's pitch black outside, I can't see anything. However, I do see a gap between the curtains, so I decide to be stealthy and crawl on the floor, slide up the wall, and close the curtains from below. Obviously a serial killer would not think that someone was home after watching the curtains close themselves.

All of a sudden, I hear banging on the window, then banging on the front door, which was locked. I start screaming hysterically, then I crumple to the ground screaming some more, which is clearly the epitome of stealth. Josh bursts through the front door laughing, and I sob. For an hour. Josh was so horrified at my reaction, all he could do was apologize.

I talked about Josh not because he did anything wrong (we mess with each other all the time) but to show how absolutely bonkers I was!

So we move to Thursday night. Josh was in North Carolina with the theatre kids, and I was home alone. I saw on CNN a video that shows someone looking through your Facebook profile. I wanted to see it for myself. Bad idea. BAD BAD BAD idea.

Basically, it shows some crazy psychopath looking at your stuff, stroking the screen, searching for where you live, etc. It was super creepy because he started stroking the screen when it was a picture of me and my cousin's baby, Jackson. I screamed out, "he's a baby, you pervert." It didn't occur to me that it wasn't real. Then it shows him driving to kill you. Yeesh.

I left the hotel at 11PM, making sure no one was in my backseat itching to slice my throat, then I turned on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia really loud, because I didn't think that God would let me die with that show on. I went to the bedroom, because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I proceeded to shut all the doors and close the curtain as tightly as I could. I fell asleep with all of the lights on. And even though our electric bill will be abnormally high, I just felt safer. I was so happy when it was morning, I didn't even mind the crick in my neck from sleeping in an upright position all night.

I think I'm over my serial-killer-phobia, but I don't think having a fear of crazy psychopaths is so strange.  It's only in my head when it becomes irrational. Like, a tree turned into a person looming outside the window, rustling leaves became a killer shuffling his feet outside, and a squirrel chirping became his crazy psycho war cry.

You don't have to tell me, I know I'm crazy.