Finally a Bun in the Oven!

I'm so insanely sorry that I haven't updated this thing in months, and be ready to read a novel, but I have been sick beyond sick for the first few months. 

I'm not complaining! In fact, at our first OB appointment (with a real OB, not a reproductive endocrinologist!) the nurse asked if I was nauseous, and just said, "Oh yeah, I'm really sick." She remarked how happy I sounded to be feeling so sick, but she had no idea how long I have waited to feel this miserable. 

At this point, I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and the baby is somersaulting in my tummy as we speak. It's an amazing feeling, because it's one that I honestly never thought that I would get to experience. We had our 20 week ultrasound this week, and it was mind-blowing watching the little pumpkin move around. It was asleep at one point, with its arm over its head, and Josh was amazed. It's how he sleeps!

We are already so in love with this baby. And it's ours! With how active I feel it, I know that it is Joshua Hasty's progeny. It's already clogging all over my bladder. 

Even going through IVF earlier this year, I didn't think that it could happen. We had our egg retrieval scheduled in March, and the doctor already warned me that I didn't have nearly as many eggs as he wanted. They normally want 16-20, and I had 4. 

It was devastating, but they wanted to go ahead with it. I was so nervous about the number of eggs, if they were viable, etc. I was so nervous that my stomach was cramping, and I was so terrified that when knocked out, I would fart in the doctor's face. Josh even told her that. Bless him. And, if I did fart, she was a lady and never told me. 

So, the next day, all 4 fertilized (how amazing is that?) and they were immediately frozen. Normally in IVF, the embryos are transferred a few days later, but they held out for a month for us. It helps to shed all of the lining thickened through all of those awful drugs. 

After a few weeks, we started the progesterone shots. Holy buckets. It's a huge needle, filled with a thick liquid, and it's goal is to provide an environment for embryos to stick and grow. Josh had to administer it right in the hip bone, twice a day. I think at first, it hurt him more than me! Despite the picture below. 

The week of the retrieval arrived, and I was holding my breath to see if any of the fertilized eggs survived after being thawed. All 4 did! All 4! That's crazy! So they had me come in two days later for the egg transfer. 

They picked the best two eggs, which had the most amount of cells, and the least fragmentation. Fragementation is just debris and extra junk. Normally they look for less than 20% fragmentation, and the other two had 40%-45% fragmentation. They kept them, to see if they would survive to be refrozen, but they rested the next day. So they definitely picked the right ones.

It was so emotional seeing these little balls of cells, and then watching them be transferred on the ultrasound. Tears were also streaming down my face, because you have to have a full bladder. I knew I would have to use the bed pan right afterwards, and that was even more freaky to me. 

The next two weeks were some of the most stressful. Seriously, I would rather give myself 8 shots a day then go through that wait. It might have been the lowest I ever felt, and I was convinced that it didn't work. On the day of the blood test, I had to pull over and call my dad. I don't even know as he knew what I was saying, but tried his best to calm me down. So I wouldn't crash on the way to the clinic. 

When you go through this, you give them a vial of blood almost every other day. So, this was just another blood draw for the nurses. Once she said that they would call me that afternoon, I started sobbing all over again. They were alarmed, but super nice. I just kept saying I wouldn't have been crying so much if they didn't pump me full of hormonal drugs for months. 

Riiiiigggghhhtttt..... 

So, Josh met me at home that afternoon, and she still hadn't called by noon. I knew that it would be bad news. I was already preparing my mind for the next step, and bracing myself for the new cost of donor eggs at the age of 27. Finally, the nurse called, and I was trying not to barf. 

"You're definitely pregnant!"

I laid back, and just started sobbing, and Josh ran around the room cheering and dancing. That is a perfect representation of how we react to news. I then kept asking the nurse if she was serious, and all she said was that she doesn't joke about things like that. 

So, we were pregnant. It was still too early for even a home pregnancy test, so we knew that we weren't out of the woods. I had to go back every few days for more blood tests to make sure that the levels were doubling, and I was still pregnant. Everything looked great every time. Those weeks feel like a blur. 

Four weeks after that, I got to stop my progesterone shots! My hips were very thankful. Honestly, they were bruised and the medicine would clump up... it wasn't pretty. But it worked. So I have no complaints!

My last day of shots! Note the seasickness bands... This was the week I was at my most nauseous!

So, here we are now. Our baby is growing, and is looking great. We are beyond thankful, because we know that everyone's prayers and thoughts were the reason that it worked. Honestly, the odds were so against us. Even the doctor told me that nothing about my count was best case scenario, but that he would make do. God meant for this to be our baby. Maybe because this one will become president, a human rights activist, or cure cancer. We already have high hopes for this little one, and I can see why my parents expected so much of us! 

At this point, it was wiggling its arms and legs, like a boss. 

We still have dear, dear friends going through this, and my heart breaks for them every time. I still feel infertile, and my stomach drops when I see a Facebook announcement, and then I remember that I'm pregnant too! It's so weird, but I feel like our infertility was such a huge part of us for years, and it's hard to turn it off. If you are still fighting this, understand that I know exactly what that feels like. It's unbelievably painful, but I am proof that these tiny miracles can happen to anyone. 

Yes, that's a baby in my belly, not a burrito. Er, not... JUST a burrito. My mom wanted to see me in my first maternity clothes, and I am loving the elastic tops. Is it cool to wear this after the baby's here?

Different Cycle, Same Result

There's been absolutely nothing to report! We went through the whole IUI cycle a second time, with the same protocol, and.... 

it didn't work. This time I had double the amount of mature eggs, but it still didn't work. We found out that the success rates for an IUI with follicle stimulating hormones is 20%, and it just gives us the success rate that any normal couple would have naturally. 

So, we're back at it a third time. This time the medicine is a lot more aggressive, all injectables, at a dosage that gets higher and higher. I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and they said that I already had 4 eggs, but my estrogen was lower, so they told me to up the dosage so we can get closer to doing this next IUI. 

It's weird how this all messes with your brain. The first time, we were so hopeful, and then I took every symptom I had as a sign that it didn't work, and I honestly feel like I feel into a depression of sorts. I've never felt that sad, or worn down before, and I doubt it will be the last time I ever will. 

This time, I'm going to stay positive, and convince my brain that I am pregnant. What's the worst that could happen; we could not be pregnant and I could be sad or disappointed? I can live through that. I have before. Nothing wrong with a little hope. 

Again, though, our friends and family surrounded us with love and support, and my mom even drove 10 hours from Louisville to hang out with me for ONE DAY. Who does that?! We went to Costco and Trader Joe's, two of my favorite places, and I basically just took a mental health day. And another one to eat the entire jar of Cookie Butter that we bought at Trader Joe's. 

Who's had that? That stuff is suuuuuper good. And almost a cure for anything. 

But let me brag on the most important person: Josh is just the best husband in the world. He is the strong one, dealing with my crazy mood swings, whinings about the shots, and buying me sweet little presents. All it takes is a box of Junior Mints. Not kidding. Plus, this whole thing puts your body through the wringer. My stomach looks like a pincushion with all of the pins taken out, I can't exercise or play tennis like I want to, because they don't want your heart rate to get too high. I also have been (trying) to eat full fat dairy because that's supposed to help with implantation. Despite this, Josh makes me feel cherished and appreciated, no matter how badly I feel about myself. 

Some huge events happened this week; our friends Jason and DiAnna had their baby Alston, and he is beyond precious. I also had a friend in the theatre community pass away. I just know that things happen beyond our control, and the hardest part is trusting God, and not letting your own thoughts creep in. It's almost reinforced how blessed we are to know the people that we do. 

We took this picture, thinking it could be the first in a baby book. Now we see it as a mark of what all we are doing, and how much we can handle. Do I wish that I had make up on, and I didn't have Big Bird arms? Of course. 

Yesterday, October 15th was the Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. Again, I am so grateful that I don't fit in to either of those categories, and I am in awe of the families that do. They have so much strength, and I can't even imagine having to deal with something like that. 

The bible passage that has brought me the most strength is 1 Samuel 1:1-20, when it tells the story of Hannah despairing because she didn't have any children. She went to the temple to pray, and because she was moving her mouth and no sounds were coming out, the priest thought she was drunk. He even told her to put away her wine. She explained why she was so distraught, and he prayed over her, and she became pregnant with Samuel. 

We think maybe it's taking a while because we will have a special child, like Samuel. Maybe they will be president, or cure cancer or something. Now, genes do come into play, so our kids will probably not stand much of a chance to do either. But it still brings me a lot of comfort. 

So, if you see me wailing, or mouthing the words to a prayer, it's not me being drunk. At least not this time. Don't tell me to put away my wine, because I don't have any. That's part of the reason I am so crazy this past few months. 

I'm just praying for the child that we know is coming. 

Keep you posted on IUI #3!