I'm going to tell you a tale. It's a tale of a mother who found utter delight in torturing and scaring her children. I mean, just ask her. She thinks that it is the funniest thing in the entire world.
When I was in the 4th grade, my mom found it appropriate to make me watch Psycho, you know, the Alfred Hitchcock movie where the lady gets killed in the shower, and there is a dude dressed up like his mom and is super creepy. Sorry for the spoiler alerts, but this movie is super old. Go see it.
The shower scene. Good gravy, the shower scene. It is arguably one of the most famous movie scenes ever.
It also has made me a super big chicken.
The night I saw it, I couldn't sleep. I mean, I was tired, but I knew that the minute I closed my eyes a crazy person would leap out of the closet dressed in his mom's clothes and would stab me to death. I just sat in the corner of my bed, huddled like the little match girl, and left the light on. So I could be on my guard the entire night. I didn't do anything for those terrifying 8 hours but scan the room.
The next day, I was too scared to take a shower. However, we were going to church the next day, and mom told me that I had to. It was all part of her plan, I think. I was truly perplexed: close and lock the door, and risk being locked in with a killer, or leave it open, inviting all killers? I decided to leave it open, figuring that I could make a fast (and slippery) getaway. I threw away all of my razors, eliminating another possible weapon.
I would like to note, I had just started to....um...develop...and shaving was a new concept for me. This would make yet another day that I did not shave my armpits and another day my mom would fuss at me about it.
I just consider it payback.
I am washing my hair at this point, continually poking my head out of the shower curtain. Soap finally gets in my eyes and I have to bite the bullet and shut them.
A shadow descends. My nutty mother throws back the shower curtain and makes a stabbing motion with a screwdriver. I scream, and make a slippery escape. I'm still covered in soap suds.
This has still messed me up. I am super jumpy, and I will start throwing punches at the air when startled. One time, I got grounded for punching my mom in the face because she snuck up behind me and scared me.
Which brings us to now. The other day, I was taking a shower, shaving my legs, and every time I bent down, a shadow descended over me.
I want you to think about being killed in the shower. You're super vulnerable, and there's no where to go! There's no where to go!
I called Josh in to sit on the toilet for the duration of my shower and make sure no one killed me.
Me: "Hey, I just need you to sit on the toilet and talk to me."
Josh: "But I'm watching golf."
Me: "All I know is, a shadow is coming up every time I bend over."
Josh: "That is you."
Me: "Josh, I don't care, I just need you to sit on the toilet and talk to me."
Josh: "You're high. I'm in the living room, and I'm not dead."
Me: "What if it's a stealthy killer? He could kill you in the living room and I would never know until he got here."
Josh: "Are you sure you're not high? I smell the shower cleaner that you just used, and it's pretty strong. I'm just going to sit in the living room. Stop being weird."
Me: "It's ok. I'm done now."
That is the state of my life. Constantly on edge because I think someone is going to jump out from under the bed, the closet, the other side of the shower curtain, or just make a loud noise all of a sudden.
I hope you're happy, Mom. I feel like I can hear your cackle 10 hours away.
